American Beauty

2016-08-17 15:32:38 -0400  

Seen about town today…

  • The plastic bag from American Beauty made a brief appearance on St Paul Street today, between Main and King. About 60 - 70 seconds.

On the Road Again

2016-08-07 15:32:38 -0400  

Seen about town today…

  • A town cop, mercilessly tailgating in a 35 mph zone

  • A dude straight from the Jersey shore, listening to happy house and twitching insanely ON EVERY BEAT

  • A truck with a huge American flag and a bumper sticker reading “Does my flag offend you? Call 1-800-EAT-SH*T-AND-DIE”

  • A young, scruffy-looking coyote, sauntering across the road with a vaguely bewildered look

  • License plates: OMYGOLF and SNAPDRGN

  • Four twentysomethings with a baby in the back seat, passing around what appeared to be an enormous cigar.

On the Road

2016-07-27 15:32:38 -0400  

Seen about town today…

  • A dozen or so large yellow onions nestled in the gaps of a storm grate like eggs in a carton.

  • A person wearing dark glasses and carrying a white cane… riding a bicycle.

  • A head-on car collision involving two elderly ladies, both texting while driving, at the entrance to the retirement condominiums. They were driving at a crawl and the impact couldn’t have carried any more energy than a fist-bump. No damage or injuries.

Gangnam Style and Santa Hats

2016-07-20 15:32:38 -0400  

Seen about town today…

  • Another surreal walk in Burlington: On Main & St Paul, there’s a father and son walking toward me. The kid is no more than eight. He’s playing some game, weaving all over the sidewalk. “Careful” I say, very politely, as he nearly bumps into me. Kid stops and says “You’re a poopy-headed penis butt” and starts a Gangnam-style dance. His father thinks this is hilarious. Stunned, I say, “Well, thank you, you’ve made my day.”

  • Later, on Pine St, I see a red Santa Claus hat lying on the sidewalk. Then another. Then another.

Nude Photo

2016-06-28 15:32:38 -0400  

Seen about town today…

  • An elderly woman carrying a curling iron in each hand.

  • A dude dressed kind of like Crocodile Dundee carrying four Victoria’s Secret shopping bags. This is the second time in a month I’ve seen him with four such bags.

  • Later, a trio of tourists ask me if I can take their picture. “Sure” I say, “Where are you from?” They tell me they’re from Bosnia. They want to have their picture taken with the mural on the back of Simon’s convenience store in the background (the one that backs up to Center St.). They give me their camera, then get into position. I’m just about to take the snap, when the naked fellow that’s been walking around town lately happens by. “Wait! Wait!” They say, “Will you be in our picture?” they ask. “Sure, why not?” he says. So I wound up taking a snap of three clothed Bosnians and one nudist.

All About Tee-shirts

2016-06-24 15:32:38 -0400  

Seen about town today…

  • Great tee shirt. On the back: Calculus textbook… $150, graphing calculator… $100, mechanical pencil… $5, knowing how to evaluate ∫f(z)dz = ∫(u + iv)(dx +idy)… priceless.

  • I’m downtown, and was just approached by a woman who’s 90 if she’s a day. She walks right up to me: “Where do you get those tie-dyed shirts like that?” “I got this in a thrift shop, but there’s a push-cart parked on Church Street that sells all kinds of tie-died stuff.” “Do you like Ben & Jerry’s?” she asks.

(for Alan S. Binkow)

Goldfinches and Oompa-Loompas

2016-06-22 15:32:38 -0400  

Seen about town today…

  • A dozen goldfinches flew across the bike path, right in front of me. They aren’t really gold at all. They’re more lemon or sulphur. (But you knew that.)

  • Someone who looked like a cross between the Gloucesterman on that box of frozen fish sticks and an Oompa-Loompa.

Matt Dunne for Governor

2016-06-15 15:32:38 -0400  

Seen about town today…

  • A young lady walking toward me with a tee-shirt bearing big block letters: “MATH DUNCE”. I wonder what could motivate someone to wear such a shirt. As she gets a little closer, I see that it says “MATT DUNNE”. Now I feel like a dunce.

  • Passing Sigma Phi, I see a clear plastic tote—like one might use to organize one’s closet—and I see the silhouette of paddling feet. Baby ducks! The tote is filled with water and the ducklings are paddling in it. I walk up to the front of the house and ask “What’s up with the ducklings?” A student tells me he’s studying zoology and that he’s raising them as part of his summer project. I introduce myself. Their names are “Starboard” and (I think) “Wilbur”.

  • In front of the YMCA there are a couple dozen seagulls voraciously tearing apart a rotisserie chicken that someone left on the sidewalk. 4) A little further on, in a shop window, I see a sign “MATT DUNNE for GOVERNOR”.

  • A few blocks later, I see a little girl hanging on to a parking meter, swinging around in circles as her mother fishes something out of their car. I glance away for an instant. When I turn to look again, the little girl has moved twenty-five feet or so. Impossible! Am I going nuts? Then I realize what’s going on: identical twins, identically dressed—identical sandals, shorts, tee-shirts and caps.

Cedar Waxwing vs Falcon

2016-04-21 15:32:38 -0400  

Seen about town today…

  • A falcon took a waxwing in mid-flight yesterday, but couldn’t hold it. Instead, it dropped it on the sidewalk right in front of me. So here is this little bird, gashed and bleeding. There’s no way it will survive, and it lies there suffering. What to do? Pick it up and try to comfort it? That would only terrorize it more. Stomp on its head with my heel and put it out of its misery? Just walk away and let “nature” take its course?

Newtonian Mechanics

2016-04-19 15:32:38 -0400  

Seen about town today…

  • A truck made a left turn onto Shelburne Road in front of me. The right side door of the container popped open and a pallet jack flew out, at high velocity, straight across two lanes, slamming into the curb. Nice lesson in Newtonian mechanics. Very lucky no one was hurt.